Realizations

In the 42 years that I’ve been living there have always been an abundance of things that have been learned but over the last 5 1/2 years, information and understanding that has been obtained has increased exponentially, more specifically in the last ~2 years…. stumbling upon neurodiversity, ASD, PTSD, and tools such as the ACEs tests, and soon to be the assistance/assessment that has been being had at a local state university. My entire life I’ve been using tires that aren’t built for the vehicle that I’ve been making my journey in, I haven’t the slightest as to how I might operate the vehicle in some aspects, it would be like a thoroughly seasoned airplane pilot having a knowledge of how to operate some 50+ aircraft being tossed into the cockpit of a spaceship, although the familiarity w/avionics in general would be immensely beneficial in allowing this pilot to learn the skill of operating a spaceship/shuttle. Reflecting on things is something that I’ve generally avoided for the most part because of the gap in my ability to understand the reasoning behind this behavior/action/event, not to mention the overwhelming realization of the futility of efforts that are forced or unnaturally driven. Simply allowing the slide to be brought to view can truly bring about a multitude of realizations/epiphanies/understandings(innerstandings) although doing so simply for the sake of hoarding knowledge/information is nothing more than an experience to be had and learned from. The collection of information/knowledge can quite easily become something that we build our ego upon, hoping to give ourselves a bit more confidence in anything that we might believe or have come scurry across our minds, this ego creates a blind spot that hinders us from truly perceiving things outside of the severely biased POV (although on the contrary it could be said that bias is universally occurring, therefore it can be welcomed in full in order to create the multi-faceted perspectives that can/could/will be had, actually with this being mentioned, bias could most definitely be used to reverse engineer perspectives so as to arrive at the generally held perspective that is perceived with minimal information gained…. therefore creating the objection to knowledge/information being power… it isn’t only the quantity but the quality as well. I suppose this is where the term wisdom would come into play, having the ability to differentiate data that might have been gained, being promoted, being pushed towards, or even used as a method of leading thought processes to manipulate effect. Would like to touch on the term manipulate, as most people hold a strong stigma towards how it is perceived, it is nothing more than a modification of series of events whether changed, added to, removed, or any other manner of changing the course.

I suppose I should proofread my posts, maybe I’ll find a bit of inspiration in my own words, the release of information that transfers in so many different directions that it cannot be quantified. I guess I do write some pretty decent post but I’d really prefer to avoid over inflation of ego….. no wait, that’s my ego…… my ego is counter-egotistical. Wow, hella big shadow right there. So as to reduce/deflate/control my self value, I use a multitude of self-deprecating practices that have generally become a coping mechanism for the life that I’ve experienced/endured, keeping my value as low as the Chinese are keeping the Yuan, which creates obstacles that cause me to avoid specific things in hopes of reducing the frequency in which utter failure occurs without so much as a bit of understanding as to why it happened. Boundaries is something that I definitely need assistance with via as many professionals/YouTube/Reddit/Quora resources as possible. I think I’ve found the moment in which I’ll be trying out an accountability thread in Discord, I need to dip my toe into the world of becoming more informed about boundaries, although I suppose if I was to get my hands on a book about Dark Psychology, a laundry list of boundaries could be found….. oh yeah and Art Of War as well as 48 Laws Of Power…. familiarity w/this subject matter will help me better identify the need for boundaries and I MUST keep in mind that all my attempts to excuse the reason for specific events to take place should be thoroughly inspected so as to find the reason why it might be taking place, although I can confidently say that the desire to increase social interaction with genuine connection is the culprit.

I’ve had the thought of how I “tolerate” individuals behavior because of simply wanting to allow any benefits to remain (which are all selfish reasons) Selfishness is something that I’ll need to deconstruct because of fully understanding my lack of confidence that surely presents as simply having a very low self-esteem, yet there are behaviors that conflict with this idea. I could definitely benefit from participating or becoming knowledgeable in autistic child upbringing, but with 42 years of my life already having taken place without this new way of doing things, the need to slowly transition myself into whatever re-education that might take place, the results of crash diets and other methods of modifying behaviors should be taken into consideration so as to create a healthy progress that is built upon, becoming routine, and slowly but surely gaining ground in approaching the well being of my mental health , pacing myself and striving to be as (if not more) patient with myself as I have with others. Although this is more than likely some type of construct that was created in order to prevent the increase in value or hope, with the idea of supporting structures, ideas, beliefs- any behavior that leans in one direction or the other should be inspected when it has become suspected of being a hindrance to desired progress, although progress can often manifest itself as a moment of losing ground, backsliding, or whatever word you’d like to toss in there….. one cannot learn to rise without falling, one cannot succeed without falling, falling isn’t what gets us down, it is what gets us up…. or creates a need to do so.

One must ensure that the light doesn’t become all that is seen, flooding the onlookers vision with a blinding light can lead one to be no different than a deer stuck in headlights, giving too much hope, creating toxic expectations that lead to nothing more than misery, despair, and the futility that exists within the deep recesses of the abyss. “Do not stare too long into the abyss as one might become the abyss themselves” {edit: the saying is  if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you. which likely means that one cannot begin the process of shadow work without having gazed into the abyss for quite some time, maybe even took an extended vacation there} is something that is misleading, creating a resistance/fear/avoidance of peering into the abyss. Anything negative is typically avoided, either bringing shame or some other negative reaction as a result. Crying is something that often takes place when we’re grieving, we’re overwhelmed with joy, we’ve had a physical injury, or whatever other reason one might be crying is a state of being that is hardwired alongside times that are no different than eating, sleeping, breathing, digestion, etc, etc…. ever notice how digestion changes when we’ve become stressed? It is because of environmental factors creating such an effect, just as a roller coaster that is plunging downwards can cause our heartrate to rise or the dramatic music playing in the background of a horror movie causes a sensation of suspense, building up to be a moment that causes one to leap out of their seat or nothing more than trickery via the creators….. make you think something is gonna happen 10 times and then nothing happens each time, 11th time something actually does happen can surely create a good enough pattern to trick the most perceptive.